bad/awesome flixxx review: Monkey Shines (1988)

"You slime. You filth. I'm gonna tear you apart. I'm gonna rip yer fuckin' eyes out." - Alan

"You killed my Bogey!" - Maryanne

"maybe you jammed your foot into that slipper... who gives a shit... it deserved to die!" - Alan

WOW. This is one of those flicks that 90% of people I ask, have never actually seen, but they always remember the poster from the back horror section of their local video stores in the 80s up on the wall. Well, I remembered that poster too, but could never get my Earth dad to rent it for me. Too scary he'd say. He wasn't far from the truth. This is from old George Romero! It's extremely heavy, with a cast of nobodies and a monkey named Boo all starring in MONKEY SHINES!!!

So Alan the athlete wakes up naked next to his hot but ultimately shallow shitty girlfriend and stretches nakedly by the bed until he loads up some bricks in a bookbag and starts out for his morning jog. Then when he's almost home, a dog jumps out barking and he jumps in front of a truck. Fast forward to when he gets out of the hospital, and now he's a quadrapalegic. Apparently his girlfriend had been banging the doctor who "miracle cured" him (allowing him to use a wheelchair with his mouth). His best friend is a mad scientist who has been delicately shaving off bits of frozen human brains, melting them down, mixing them with some kind of gatorade and injecting them into a girl monkey. Alan's mom is koo koo and gets him a very crabby bitch nurse to stay with him 24/7.

The nurse sucks. The mad scientist buddy's boss is trying to steal his experiments, so he comes up with an idea to give the monkey to Alan to use as a helper monkey. He meets with this blond chick who trains them and promises her that he hasn't done anything fucked up to the monkey (Ella). Ella up until now hasn't shown any signs of being intelligent beyond her species to the buddy, but when she meets Alan, she blows his mind with what she knows and can do. Pretty soon they have a sweet relationship going that the nurse can't stand. The blond chick falls for Alan. But Alan starts to get pissed at the world, and he hates his ex girl and the doctor that "cured" him. He gets a 2nd opinion from another doc who thinks he may be able to be cured permanently.

The hatred for his nurse's bird, and the ex girl and doc, and even his own mom is realized and acted upon by Ella. She actually murders the bird, the ex and doc, and then the nurse quits. Alan says get rid of her. And they try, but Ella escapes and comes back. Alan tries to warn his mom, but then she pisses him off and then Ella electrocutes her. Alan tells his bud of the telepathy and finally his bud confesses and he brings a serum to try to kill Ella.

Ella ends up being too smart for the scientist and Alan can't do shit. BUT- he outsmarts her and even though she succeeds in beating up his girlfriend, he finally talks her into listening to some music, and before she poisons the blond, she pisses on his unusable legs and he FREAKS OUT *********************** SPOILER WARNING***************

AND THEN HE BITES HER NECK AND SWINGS HER FROM SIDE TO SIDE UNTIL SHE IS COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY DEVOID OF LIFE. Its sick. And then he goes to the old doctor and gets his shit fixed, and him and his chick live happily ever driving around a sweet van. Chicks in these flicks always drive sweet vans. Should you see it? Yep. Eat cake and sushi or pizza or something and make it happen.

Thursday, February 16, 2012