"I don't know. Just keep him dancing and they'll just think it's a teddy." - Michael

"...tired of feeling all by myself Being so different From everyone else Somehow you knew I needed your help Be my friend forever I never found My star in the night Feeling my dream was Far from my sight You came along and I saw the light We'll be friends forever" - Singer

"I can't believe it, the house looks perfect, you cleared up this mess for me?" - Janet

Whooo! This one is a real big bag of garbage! How as kid could you not see that is was such a big commercial for McDonald's? AND an obvious E.T. ripoff... Even the goddamned trailer had Ronald McDonald introducing it! I often watch movies that I consider a real big time suck, but I hardly ever admit when they are huge wastes of time. I mean, a lot of the time I really enjoy the hard ones. But let me be clear: WATCHING THIS WAS A HUGE WASTE OF TIME! It TRULY fucking SUCKED! There was hardly any good dialogue or redeeming moments whatsoever. It truly felt like torture getting through it. McDonald's presents MAC AND ME!!!

Seriously, I never watched the trailer before looking it up to post here, so beyond the obvious product placement in the beginning, I had no idea that this may have been semi funded by McD's. Then they spontaneously burst into a choreographed dance number inside a McDonald's and I began to get the clue. I mean- the fucking alien's name is MAC! M.A.C.- Mysterious Alien Creature. Yeah BULL- shit! He stands for bring your kid over here and buy some happy meals and a couple big MACs for your fat ass. And while you're at it, HAVE A COKE!!! Ok, I digress.
The US sends some satellite up to some planet and some aliens walk up to it and get sucked into it. The satellite returns to Earth and lands in some NASA facility. The aliens escape and run out into the desert and are separated from their littlest dude. He ends up jumping in a car with a single mom and her two sons who are moving across the country to a new place that she found for them. The youngest son is in a wheelchair. The movie tries to be slapstick as much as it can to take away from its super obvious stolen themes from E.T.
So this young alien haunts this wheelchair kid's new room and makes his older brother and mom think he's crazy. But the neighbor girl saw it, so she knows what's happening. Then he falls into a ravine. The lil girl has an older sister who the older brother is psyched about. She works at.... wait for it.... McDonald's. Finally the older brother meets the alien. Somehow they figure out that it has a family. I think its because it makes a sign with its hands or something. So they decide to help it. Meanwhile its family is dying of dehydration in the desert.
So NASA is onto them, there's a car chase with his wheelchair, and then they decide to dress the kid up like a teddy bear and take him to McDonald's to a birthday party, and then is the most ridiculous dance number that I've pretty much ever seen. Years and years before spontaneous viral web video dances... then there's another chase and a shootout and somehow the wheelchair kid gets killed. Then the head alien brings him back to life, and fast forward and they're swearing them in as US citizens. And then the whole alien family drives around in a convertible drinking cokes and eating skittles. Fucking insanity. I'd never recommend this. There are plenty of other flicks you should see first.

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Bad/Awesome Flixxx Review: Mac And Me (1988)