bad/awesome flixxx review: Hawk The Slayer (1981)

"Now this must stay a secret between you and me. Not only will I bring back the head of this Hawk, but I'll have the gold as well. Then Voltan will see who is the lord of the dance." - Drogo

"I'd sooner eat cowdung." - Gort

"We have sat waiting like this many times before. Sometimes I tire... of the fighting and killing. At night, I can hear the call of my race. They wait for me. When I join them, we will be forgotten." - Crow

This is your typical sword and sorcery flick except for THIS one is starring JACK FUCKIN PALANCE and the main dude is the main character Jack's dad CHRISTIAN from LOST! But in this he's about as young as Jack is in LOST. For a good long while this one was a hard one to locate, but it has come out on DVD and if you search you can definitely find it for sale online now. Its pretty rad. I can see liking it a whole lot more if I saw it when I was younger. Not particularly great, and pretty low budge... but if you're a wizard junkie, you'll dig it. Jack Palance and John Terry star in HAWK THE SLAYER!!!

This one starts off with a bang as evil Voltan (Palance) stalks into a throne room and challenges what looks to be a younger man, but calls him father. That part made me realize this was gonna be a bad one. They didn't even care that they cast a younger man to play Palance's father. But fuck it whatever. So he kills his own father because he won't give him some secret power he has. Then Voltan splits. Enter Voltan's brother Hawk. His father is about to bite the big one (he's not dead yet) and he gives him a sword off the wall with a fist in the hilt. Then he says some magic words and tells him to take this green rock out of a leather pouch hung around his neck. Hawk does it, and then the rock glows and floats and the hand on the sword grabs it. The king dad tells Hawk that this is the legendary Mind Sword and it would always leap into his hand if he just thought about it. SCORE. So before his old man croaks, Hawk promises to kill his brother.

Ok, so this Voltan is a dick. He beats the shit out of this guy, and the guy has to get his hand removed by these nuns. The guy is hell with a crossbow tho. So Voltan comes and kidnaps the head nun for a ransom of 2000 bucks or gold or whatever. The nuns send a message to some monks with the one handed man. Meanwhile Hawk rescues some witch from some hicks in the woods. She becomes his friend. The monks send a message to Hawk to help the nun. The one handed man meets up with Hawk who takes him to the witch so he can magically teleport and get his boys to help him fight Voltan and his army.

His boys each have their own little thing they are in trouble for, but Hawk helps a dwarf, a giant, and an elf telport to help him fight Voltan and rescue the chick. We find out that Hawk and Voltan hate each other because Hawk stole Voltan's chick and then Voltan killed that chick. Hawk and his boys head to the convent and then go steal the 2000 bucks from the slavedriver dude. Then Voltan comes to fight him but they lose, and Voltan sneaks up on him. But then Hawk kills Voltan's son Drogo, and even tho Voltan himself threatened to kill Drogo like 2 scenes back, he was pretty pissed. So they all prepare for the final battle.

I forgot to tell you that Voltan got acid poured into his face by his ex chick and that's why he hates everyone so much. Somehow it was magic acid, and it never heals, and Voltan goes to see his own black magic witch chick every few days so she can rub it with magic salve and stop the hurting for only a little while. Anyway, Hawk ends up having to sick his witch on all of them and they fight it out, and Voltan is killed, but as this thing goes on and on, we realize they are setting us up for a sequel which has never been made. Voltan is most def getting rezerected, but its seriously been 30 years last year, so don't look for it anytime soon. The made a website for HAWK THE HUNTER, but nothing has happened on it in two years. Should you watch this? Well, if you can find yourself a copy, I'd say go for it. The elf shooting arrows and the one handed man shooting the crossbow over and over and over every scene is hilarious because of how fast they shoot. That was my favorite part. Hope ya dig it.

Thursday, January 5, 2012