bad/awesome flixxx review: Lone Wolf McQuade (1983)

"How would you like to bite that in the butt, develop lockjaw, and be dragged to death? " - Dakota

"I understand you're very good with your hands and feet." - Rawley

"Kid get out of here. And forget that partner crap." - McQuade

This is a bad ass Chuck Norris/ David Carradine flick that I must've watched a half a dozen times growing up with my old man. Its full of loner cop, new partner, and chief "who's had it up to here" type cliches'. It also pits Chuck F'n Norris against David "Grasshopper" Carradine. Basically nuff said. Need more? This is the flick that hatched the WALKER TEXAS RANGER franchise ten years later. Want you mind blown? Chuck Norris is 72 years old!!! NO SHIT!!! But he was only 43 when he made this bad/awesome jam called LONE WOLF MCQUADE!!!

This one starts out sort of like BILLY JACK. Except Chuck is the law. Norris plays JJ McQuade, a texas ranger spying on some amigos who have just hijacked a huge gang of horses. He watches from afar as the local yocal county mounties bung everything up, and then snipes a dude from 300 yards. Averting a major fiasco, he splits back to town in time for his buddies retirement party, and long enough to get chewed out by his chief for not having enough "style". He assigns him a partner, which is one of the latino cops' ass he saved back in the desert. He tells him to fuck off and bails home to drink some Pearl beer.

McQuade lives on a ranch with a pet wolf and loves to drink Pearl beer. Kayo his new "partner" comes to his house and gets a gun pointed in his face. Another unspoken of character in the movie comes in the form of McQuade's muddy white 81 Dodge Ramcharger with supercharger turbo on it. He hauls ass in it to leave his partner in the dust. Then he goes to hang with his daughter & picks her up from his ex wifes house. They go ride horses and the girls horse runs off as a car backfires, and this hot chick runs the horse down and saves the girl from danger. We are then introduced to a mysterious midget in a wheelchair and his business partner David Carradine (Rowley). The chick is Rowley's girl but her panties are clearly dripping wet when she meets McQuade. She invites them to a party later at Rowley's where he intends to do a karate display or something. McQuade's daughter goes on a date and witnesses a truck of weapons being hijacked off the highway in the desert. Rowley kicks a bunch of dudes asses at the fight and challenges McQuade, but he says he doesn't fight for sport. Then the chick takes him off and bangs him. Some lawman. Banging other dude's wives. I guess everyone has the weaknesses.

McQuade's daughter goes on a date and witnesses a truck of weapons being hijacked off the highway in the desert. They get caught and the boyfriend gets murdered, and she gets pushed over a cliff in a car but doesn't die. The feds take over the case and McQuade says bullshit. McQuade and his partner bond over the partner "hacking" into his Apple II computer to find some information about what was in the stolen army rigs. They find out it was guns, so McQuade follows this dude Snow then kidnaps him. They interrogate him and find out that its the midget who's stolen the guns and that Rowley is the distributor or something like that. Either way they are both in trouble. McQuade goes to get answers but they kill the witness and McQuade is dismissed from the case and put on unpaid leave since he investigated a case he wasn't on. He goes home to drink some Pearl beer, and the chick has thrown it all out and is cleaning his house. He gets mad, makes her cry, drinks a beer, and then they have sex in a mud puddle with a hose going off in slow motion. TIGHT.

One of the feds, Agent Jackson comes to help McQuade and his partner after the bad guys kill his wolf and try to kill him and the chick in the bed. They helicopter out and find the weapons. The one fed is a prick and gets shot by jumping the gun and not listening to McQuade. Everyone gets caught. Rowley takes his ranger star. DISSED. And they bury McQuade in his Ram charger after beating him up. Kayo shoots a bunch of guys and Jackson isn't dead and they're fighting and meanwhile McQuade was conveniently driving with a SIX PACK on his console, and THEN HE CRACKS A BEER AND POURS IT ALL OVER HIMSELF, TURNS UP THE SUPERCHARGER TURBO ON HIGH, FLOORS IT AND DRIVES THE MOTHERFUCKER STRAIGHT UP OUTTA THE GROUND, COMES OUT SCREAMING AND STARTS BEATING ASS. Powerful man shit right there. Anyway, the midget makes a deal with McQuade to show him where the weapons went in Mexico, and then McQuade goes in for the final showdown. I'm not gonna give away the ending on this one, because its essential. Should you watch this? You should have already fucking seen it. If you haven't, drop everything and make it happen. You'll be 10 times tougher than you were before.

Thursday, January 12, 2012