bad/awesome flixxx review: Bloodsport (1988)

"Now Remember, there are three ways to win: One, You knock the guy right out; Two, He shouts Mate'. It's like saying 'Uncle'. Three, You throw the fucker right off the runway!" - Victor

"He's the American shit head who makes tricks with bricks!" - Hiro

"You break my record, now I break you, like I break your friend." - Chong Li

Earth childhood favorite here. A whole lot of dudes were raised on this one! Jean Claude Van Damme as Frank Dux! Ogre as Randy "Tiny" Jackson, and "GHOST DOG" Forest Whitaker as a bumbling cop, all raising Hell to battle in the coup de gras of underground martial arts battles, the Kumate'! If you've never heard of this one, shame shame, I know your name- this one's called BLOODSPORT!!!

In the beginning a bunch of dudes from different countries are training for what looks to be like some kind of ENTER THE DRAGON secret heavy fight club type deal. Then we see our hero Frank Dux ninja kicking a speed bag until some Army flunky comes by telling him the boss man sergeant must have found out about his involvement and he needs to see him and speak to him about it and he's in trouble. STUPID MOVE PAL. Frank Dux is no dummy, but this kid was. He should've just said the dude needed to see him about something else. Then maybe Frank Dux wouldn't have dipped out instead of taking a shower like he told the corporal or lieutenant or whatever. Frank wasn't letting anything stop him from competing in that contest. Why? FLASHBACK!

When he was little he was kind of a timid little punk belgium kid who was the chickenshit in the gang of asian kids who broke in this badass dojo to steal katana blades. When the other kids split right before getting busted, Frank Dux stood there like he had some kind of learning disability. Then the master Takana's kid kicked his ass and called him "Round Eye". But the master saw something in this Belgium kid. He didn't flinch when he swung a full on samurai sword in his face. BALLS. So then the master's kid gets killed, and Frank Dux ends up training with him for a full on twenty couple minute flashback scene. So Frank Dux wanted to honor his master (against Takana's advice) by competing in his dead son's place.

Fast forward and Frank Dux gets over there to fight in the Kumate'. He plays video games with Ogre, the only other guy from the states to compete. No "round eye" has ever won the Kumate'. There are a bunch of bad asses there including this one long time champ named Chong Li, a ruthless killer/fighter. After a while, two cops, an old guy and Ghost Dog come out to find Frank Dux and take him back to the states to face charges for going AWOL. Ok. So seriously the next thing you know THERES A GODDAMNED SCENE STRAIGHT OUT OF SCOOBY DOO, where Frank Dux runs through the city with them LITERALLY JUST right behind him, turning corners, going in one door and coming out the other, with the SHITTIEST song playing, and then him jumping from boat to boat and them ... WAIT FOR IT... you guessed it, falling face first in the water, and Dux looking back and shaking his head and smiling and saying something like, 'you guys!'. FUCKING BOGUS!!! THE WORST SCENE!!! I couldn't fucking believe it. It was such a cartoon moment. Ok, then this reporter chick tries to gain access, but no one will let her in. BUT SOMEONE WILL. Guess who?

If you said Ogre, you're wrong. It was Frank Dux! He totally wanted to get laid. He ran off like ten times during the kumate' and he wasn't supposed to leave at all, but he was a badass who could do splits that would shame James Brown, so fuck it. Ogre beats a guy to death, and then gets put in the hospital by Chong Li. It finally comes down to Chong Li vs. Frank Dux and if you seriously expect me to tell you the ending then you're cracked. Is it what you expect? Probably, but come on, you should totally watch this. And there's 3 sequels. I can't speak for those, but you should buck up and peep this one.

Tuesday, January 31, 2012