bad/awesome flixxx review: Terror In The Swamp (1985)

"I don't know but we're trying like Hell to find out." - Frank

"Well it sounds like BULLSHIT to me" - old man

"I don't know but I sure hope we've seen the last of its kind." - Frank

WOW. This one is BAD. But... again, something persuaded me to sit through it. And even though it was grade A garbage, there was at least SOMETHING to it. I'm not sure exactly what, but it wasn't a bad story. I think maybe it was the acting and the budget. But, the story was not bad, and there's something to be said for that. Having SAID that, it still SUCKS. Filmed entirely on location somewhere in the swamps of Louisiana, this movie is so rough that it makes 1985 look like 1972. And that's no bullshit. Watch the clip below and see for yourself. There's no trailer for this thing laying around anywhere, so you'll have to get the gist from this. Starring a bunch of nobodies, and a man named Billie Holliday (who is just some guy with a famous woman singer's name) we bring you TERROR IN THE SWAMP!!!

When this begins there's literally about a 7 or 8 minute POV shot from the "terror" of the swamp. He skulking and lurking around and breathing heavy, you guessed it, in the swamp. After we finally establish that point, he murdalizes a drunk hunter in the shadows of the darkness. The next day a swamp ranger named Frank is alerted to some disturbance in the area. He goes to inspect and finds all kinds of trouble awaiting him. Enter T-Bob and Jesse, two bumbling fur trapper brothers (who run moonshine with their pa on the side). They figure something is amiss and decide to kill whatever it is. They think its some kind of bear. Frank radios the cops and then they meet up about 15 times for coffee at the coffee shop inside of the local motel.

There are some really strange asides in the movie, like Frank walking by families and saying hello before going to the cop meeting. I guess its meant to show us that this is a small community where everyone knows each other. As if you couldn't tell that for any other reason. It turns out that there are two scientist dudes, an old one and a young nerd guy who are being paid to experiment on animals down there in the swamp to try to come up with a faster way to breed and collect A LOT of cheap fur for these greasy dudes to sell in Mexico. The Mexicans meet with the scientists and tell them they need some motherfucking RESULTS NOW, or they're going to cut the scientists funding. The scientists talk to each other and we realize the younger one has fucked up somewhere along the line and injected waaaay too much growth hormone into a common Newtria (swamp rat).

So we have this Super Nutria walking around killing people in the swamp. They want to keep hunters away from trying to go out there and kill it (for their own safety), but word spreads and the hunters drink A LOT of beer and get in their boats and split from the one dock in search of the monster before the bumbling youngest cop can stop them. The hunters getting drunk to kill is reminiscent of the beginning scene in DAWN OF THE DEAD when all the rednecks are traipsing through the fields in Pittsburgh drinking Straub's and IC beer. Or whatever it was. I can't remember. Anyway, these rednecks are no different. They're likely drinking Abita and getting psyched to kill the Gator man or bigfoot or whatever the hell is threatening their precious swamp turf.

Frank calls in a favor with the local farm pesticide plane guy who flys up and down the river back and forth over and over again dumping shit on the hunters so they'll leave the area. The music playing might as well have been the "da da dut da da" BENNIE HILL theme song. Its a break in a lot of monotony. So eventually the Nutria Man gets Jesse & TBob's dad, and then he gets the others except for Jesse. There's a voodoo lady that basically gets revenge for nature (?) by tricking the scientists in walking into quicksand so they die. I'm pretty sure that's more for fucking up her weird swamp house than talking over her head while she's with them like she's not even there. But, who knows? Oh yeah, Frank blows up this trailer that the Nutria man is hiding in and it goes sky high. With 90% of the budget. The End (?) You hope. Should you see this? No. It would be really hard to find a copy and you'd be SUPER pissed that you wasted your precious time doing so.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012